But!

I weighed in this morning and was very surprised by the scale. I’m down 7.8 lbs. since last Saturday. I say way to get back on track! I’m feeling pretty happy with my result and am working to keep things in perspective.

I know I need an attitude adjustment and a change in perspective. But it’s one thing to know a thing and completely another to do something about it. While I knew I needed to cut it out, I’ve felt a sense of complacency in my negativity. When my fellow blogging friend Deb commented, “Would tell you I think you need to work on your attitude, but then it’d sound like I had the answers and I DEFINITELY do not!”

I felt surprised that anyone would comment on my attitude because I hadn’t really thought about having a poor one. I thought I was just being honest. I was being honest, but I hadn’t realized my focus was too intently trained on the bad things in my life, leaving me completely pessimistic. This is contrary to my true nature. I have always been the optimistic one in my family, seeing the proverbial glass as half full. Lately, I’ve seen the glass as completely empty or even non-existent.

Deb’s comment was all I needed. The would-be comment to work on my attitude got me thinking about it. In my perusal of the Weight Watchers website, I found an article entitled 7 Ways to Adjust Your Attitude. When I read it, I locked in on the list item “Count Your Blessings.” I’ve spent so much time focusing on the things that bring me down, I lost all sight of the good things in my life.

Today while I was sitting at work with next to nothing to do, I thought about that article. Forgetting that I already read it once, I pulled it up and read it again. My attention was once again drawn to counting my blessings. So I got a few pieces of blank paper and some pens (yes, plural – I have a pen fetish) and began listing things in my life for which I’m grateful, things that make a positive difference to me.

It was difficult at first. It was hard to get going because I wanted to think of  big things. (Translated: I wanted it to be perfect.) So far I have 120 items of varying importance, listed in no particular order. I had to stop working on it because I actually had work to do – another thing to be grateful for!

I have to admit shifting my focus to the positives helped me feel better. I felt a smile creep across my face at the realization of some of them. It felt good, and I felt my spirit lift. I felt encouraged. My life is the same, but my outlook has changed – even if it’s only slight.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. I didn’t get in this slump quickly. It will take a little time to pull out completely. I will be happy (literally) when I do.

Before I forget: Thanks Deb! Your would-be instruction on telling me to work on my attitude was helpful and just what I needed. I love you for your honesty, thoughtfulness, and friendship.

The day was spent doing nothing, for the most part. I blogged and read some entries that popped up on Twitter. By 5:30, I was feeling stressed that I wouldn’t meet my goal because I was so unmotivated. The stress compounded when I began to see myself as a failure for not making my simple goal.

I suppose that’s my main problem. I consistently see myself as a failure.

• Because I have to live with my mother
• Because I don’t have a full-time job
• Because I can’t fully support myself
• Because I’m a big fat fatty who can’t seem to shed the pounds
• Because I’m alone
• Because I can’t seem to win in life
• Because….

When the prospect of more failure makes it to my conscious mind, I feel compelled to act. Yesterday, I needed dinner, I wanted Subway, and I needed to exercise. Subway isn’t too far from my home. A bike ride was the solution. I got in ~30 minutes and a tasty dinner (veggies!). Two birds, one stone. That’s what I like.

It was a win, and I was successful, even if for a day.

The last few months were a huge opportunity to manage my emotions. It was a chance for me to look at my situation, accept it for what it was, and make the best choices possible, instead of feeding –  literally - my emotions.

I failed. I failed because I gave up. I’m not going to say I’m okay with it, because I’m not. I’m not okay with how I’ve treated myself. To be perfectly honest, I loathe the way I treat myself, the way I take out my frustrations, disappointments, anger on myself with food. I’m great at projecting the future, seeing how I want things to be, where I want to be, but I’m terrible with the “just for today” stuff, focusing on now – this day, this hour, this moment, this minute, this second.

The horse came back around the other day, and I decided to get on again. I have no big plans except to try for today. I have one goal for today – move. That is the only thing I must do right today. Everything else… well … it matters less. I have to stop being so hard on myself. In the grand scheme of things, I’m all I have. I make no promises about this blog or anything else, other than the promise to myself to try each day.

I’ve started a sort of meditation class and am working through some issues this way. I at least know that my weight issues are a cycle of self-hatred. I can lose weight, but it’s always short-lived or I never reach my goal. In searching for the reasons why, I discovered my cycle of deciding I’m not worthy of the happiness I feel and other personal rewards I gain from that success. As a result, I sabotage myself.

So I’m learning to love myself – truly love myself deeply.

My arm is supposedly healed, but it is still tender when bearing weight, so I’m taking it easy, but I can ride my bike now. I’m able to get out and get some exercise at least. This pleases me greatly. I’ve been missing activity. My fat cells have gotten a bit greedy the last few months (my mouth more like). Now it’s time to fill my time with better activities.

So, I responded to their recruiter and set up a phone call. We talked yesterday about what we have the offer each other (me and the company). Seems I’m a good fit for some of their current openings. I’m currently updating my résumé so he can hand it off to hiring managers.

I’m still trying not to count my chickens before they hatch, but it’s sooo hard. This is so exciting and means so much to me. I have had to be dependent for far longer than any person my age and capacity should. I’m able to be independent in every way except financially. You know, it’s really hard to move in with your parent once you’re grown and have lived on your own for a long time. I can taste the freedom.

I will continue to update as things develop. ♥

I had great plans for the start of the year, and here we are at mid-February and I’m struggling. To be honest, I’ve been struggling for a couple of months with various things – mostly exhaustion of one type or another.

Last semester was so insanely intense and busy that I had little to no time for myself. Once it was done, I literally just needed to hibernate for about 2 months. I hibernated for about 3 weeks, one of which I had to work as well. After holiday break though, I have had to hit the ground running, but my pace and drive have taken a hit. I have never experienced this level of burnout before. For the last week I’ve had to keep speaking a mantra to myself:

You have to care. No one can do that for you.

Five weeks ago (Friday the 13th!), I slipped on the ice and broke the radial head in my right arm. It’s healing well, but I was unable to do anything, except sit on my ass and do homework, which I turned up my nose to, watch TV, etc. I’ve taken to working on crochet projects and have completed nearly 4 afghans – 1 large and 3 throw-size. It’s something I found I could still do, even in a sling, because my arm can stay close to me and my wrist had just enough range of motion that I could twirl the hook around the yarn and pull through the loops.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a follow-up with the doctor, who released me from my sling (couldn’t have been happier for that!) and from his care (unless something unforeseen happens) because I’m healing well and he doesn’t see a need to continue. He also said I am free to do any activities I want except those which would require me to bear any amount of weight on that arm greater than 1 pound.

Immediately, I thought I would be able to get back into running. The day after my appointment, I went for a long walk with my BFF. We walked nearly 6 miles at our favorite local park. It was amazing finally being outside and free! It felt so good that I pushed to keep walking and got two giant blisters. A couple of days later, I tried running. That didn’t work out so well. I could hardly run. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, which was probably more because I was just coming off of an extremely nasty chest cold. The difficulty was compounded because I know I was somewhat dehydrated. To make matters worse, the jarring from running was killing my arm.

I haven’t been to Weight Watchers in a few weeks because, honestly, I don’t care right now and … well, I guess I just don’t care. Over the last week, I have indulged greatly in the Girl Scout cookies I purchased from my friend’s daughter. It’s a once-a-year indulgence, but I know I’m out of control. I’m trying to care, and I do care more than I did. But I’m just not there yet.

I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me to see how I’m doing and those who have encouraged me to come out and play. It’s nice to know who really cares. I can’t express how grateful I am and how much I appreciate your kindness.

Right now I’m a little lost, but I will find my way again. I just need time to feel my way through and figure out where to plant my steps. I have a strong will and am wildly determined, even though I experience times like this. And it’s in these times that I move back into my introverted self (because I toe the line between introversion and extraversion) to figure things out. When I emerge again, I am rested, energized and strong, with a plan to move forward.

I will get there. I’m just not there yet.

♥ FG

Reflection
Yesterday I went to run and fell on the ice. After a few hours in the Emergency Room, I found out I broke the radial head in my right arm. I’m mostly ambidextrous, so I can do most of the single-handed duties/activities. I’m in a splint and sling at least until sometime next week when I see the orthopedist. I’ve been pretty doped up on pain medicine, so I’ve slept the majority of the day. As a result, I didn’t go to Weight Watchers this morning.

Overall, I think I had a good week. It was a busy – a steady sort of busy, not overwhelming like last semester. This is a very good thing.

Monday I went running for the first time in several weeks. I tweaked my knee at the gym a week or two before Christmas, so that put me off for a couple of weeks while it healed. Then I got sick, and well, it seems like a snowball effect. But I went. At first I felt nervous. Because I hadn’t run in several weeks, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to go for the 25 minute requirement of my 10K run program. I’ve never run consistently, stopped, and started again. So I had no idea of my capabilities.

It was difficult at first and took about 10 minutes to find my comfortable spot. (That timing is only a guess, but it felt like ages and a few songs played through.) Once I found it – that sweet spot, I was good. Then I lost track of time. Generally, I know when I can stop by the songs that play. When I started wondering if it was time to slow down, I looked at the timer on my run app. I went over by 3 minutes. I was surprised because I didn’t think it would be quite time to stop.

The run felt fabulous, and I was very pleased with my success. The next afternoon, my quads started to hurt and got progressively worse throughout the rest of the day. By the end of Wednesday, the pain was gone, and I was exhausted.

Classes started this week and I went back to work, after being off since the Thursday before Christmas. Work was slow but good. I ended up working 10.5 hours on Tuesday, which put me off 30 minutes prior to class time. I wasn’t prepared to work that many hours with no time to go home and get dinner, which was my plan.

Hindsight always being much clearer than its counterpart, I needed to have a Plan B. My improvisation consisted of ordering a sandwich from Jimmy Johns on the multi-grain bread instead of the white, french-style loaf. While I was deciding on my dinner choice (before lunchtime), I realized the meal I brought for lunch was going to pale in comparison to the sandwich I was getting for dinner. And I felt a sort of jealousy of my dinner. (Pathetic!) I knew I would rather have the sandwich than the honey balsamic chicken meal I brought, which I love. So I bought two sandwiches – ham for lunch and turkey for dinner. I split a bag of thinny chips between both meals.

I’ve had a lot of issues with food this week. I suppose it isn’t so much an issue with food as it is with hunger. I’ve had many hollow days. This terminology comes from The Hunger Games. If you haven’t read the series, a hollow day is when you still feel hungry or can’t stay satisfied even when you’ve had plenty to eat. I know that it’s possible to feel hungry when you’re really thirsty. In spite of having plenty to drink, I kept feeling very hungry every 2-3 hours, even though I ate a decent meal with high fiber and/or protein content. I should have been satisfied for longer. Instead, I’ve felt ravenous. It feels disappointing, especially when I’ve got a massive, year-long weight loss goal in mind.

I’ll get over the disappointment. I am fairly good with coming to terms with the way things are and moving on, if I don’t take it personally. I can’t take this personally. This isn’t a race. It’s a journey – with plenty of highs and lows along the way. I have to learn everything I can in the valleys in order to fully appreciate the views from each peak.

My two classes this semester will be very manageable. It feels almost too easy at the minute. I have homework and studying to do this weekend, which I have already worked on, but I’m not covered over, nor am I struggling to find my footing. I also have time to do things I want to do. I have time for me and time to relax.

My brother’s birthday is next week. I’ve been working on an afghan for him since 2004/2005. To be honest, I haven’t done too much work on it. The pattern I chose seemed easy, but once I started putting some of the pieces together, it was so tedious and frustrating. I quit. Now I have a new idea for what I can do with the pieces and the rest of the yarn. I’ve let my creativity take over and will see what happens, how it turns out. So far, I like it. More importantly, I think he will too. With my injury, I’m not sure how quickly I’ll finish.